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What are some of the signs that a woman was sexually abused as a child?
I am dating a woman at the moment and I someone hinted to me that she was sexually abused as a child. What are some of the typical signs / behaviours of a woman who has had this experience. I really like her and would love to help her with this awful experience.
Some people you really cannot tell, and a lot of women may just become very insecure (often becoming very promiscious) which lets face it is something a lot of women suffer from or very closed-off to you emotionally until you can really gain trust.
I was abused as a child which I do not remember, and by my first boyfriend in my teens in quite a nasty way. You cannot really tell, everyone deals with it slightly differently, I’m told I deal with it very well and no one knows until I tell them, which tends to freak out boyfriends.
I have a habit of getting too involved sexually with people I don’t really want to get involved with, example of what I mean by insecure. I’m very flirty in talking to people and sometimes I find myself slipping into something physical with people I don’t want to get physical with without being able to stop it – not being able to say no could be an issue to watch out for.
The biggest tell-tale with me is occasionally if a partner is a little too forceful or pushy for me to do something or if I feel I’m not performing well I will just curl up, go quiet unable to move or talk. I had this with an ex boyfriend of mine who was raped twice, you wouldn’t know, but every now and then he’d go into almost a trance, it’s like post traumatic stress.
Some people are very nasty about this – to me this is the most important thing for a partner to be able to deal with.
It will perhaps just show as something little, maybe she will be a little insecure, maybe one day she’ll just get upset for seemingly no reason leaving you pretty damn confused – be paitent if this does happen, don’t get moody back or leave her, give her some space but don’t give up on making sure she is okay.
Really unless she tells you outright you will not know for sure, it’s not best to guess but make note of what can happen so you can make sure you don’t just assume she’s being a nut-job. It’s also best of course that you don’t ask, people have a way of telling you when they are ready. It’s good that you care, but don’t treat her any different to a normal woman, act normal and if she is upset be there for her.
8 Responses to “What are some of the signs that a woman was sexually abused as a child?”
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October 29th, 2009
Posted by admin in signs of child abuse | 8 Comments »
It is good you care. If a man tries to touch her, she might suddenly move away. Sorry, but that’s all I know.
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TV
i really don’t want to say
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when she gets touched she might flinch. i think u should talk to her about it.its wonderful that you care
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Well. I was sexually abused by a boy and a girl when I was younger. Please don’t force this information out of her, she will only resent you later and not say anything and your relationship will get messed up from it. She will tell you when she feels comfortable. I am a virgin, but I have trouble relating to men on an intimacy level so maybe she’s only ok with seuxal relations with you to a "certain" point (kissing, some touching, but no nudity, etc). I have boundary issues, I like to feel like I always have control over the physical situations I’m in. Does she kind of keep you at arm’s length most of the time? I have found telling guys who don’t need to know this to be a bad experience – males reactions can be all over the board from "what did you do to start it?" Why didn’t you report it?" to thinking i’m not going to enjoy sex with THEM now, etc. I love males — I just have a really hard time letting them get too close. If I do, I have to REALLY trust them on a whole other level. So if she tells you sooner rather than later will be based upon how that info was received the last time she told a guy. Either way, if she was sexually abused, you are not going to do any good of wringing the info out of her if she doesn’t want you to know. When she’s comfortable enough with you, she will tell you. You can try if you want, bringing up the subject, but I would be very sensitive to her emotions and don’t judge her actions or reactions to when it happened. Keep an open mind with what she has to say and tell her this. Good luck!
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it’s really hard to say, because everyone reacts differently. the best thing for you to do, until she opens up about it (IF she chooses to), is just be patient and caring. don’t act like your treating her differently, or she may feel patronized. for many, the emotional repercussions are huge – she may have trouble trusting you, being open, allowing you to touch her sexually, she may have dealt with her issues in unhealthy ways (like with alcohol or eating disorders, which is what i did). of course, this is assuming she hasn’t had extensive therapy, which she may have done. if so, then she knows how to deal with her past and will only mention it when she’s ready. the best thing for you to do, again, is to let her own her situation and past, and to just be there as a confidant and friend.
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I’m going to try and answer this but you need to remember that everyone is different and we all deal with the junk of our past differently.
For me it was a mix of either acting aggressively because I just wanted to be in control to shrinking away from innocent touch. I think at times it’s just confusing.
I think if you care about her and communicate how you want to be of help to her and then patiently wait for her to open up to you, it might be helpful.
The thing I also suggest is be aware that sometimes you can’t control what you’re remembering even if the situation is ideal. You can be the greatest guy but if something triggers a memory you might be treated like the dirt on the bottom of a shoe. I hope this helps a little bit.
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Some people you really cannot tell, and a lot of women may just become very insecure (often becoming very promiscious) which lets face it is something a lot of women suffer from or very closed-off to you emotionally until you can really gain trust.
I was abused as a child which I do not remember, and by my first boyfriend in my teens in quite a nasty way. You cannot really tell, everyone deals with it slightly differently, I’m told I deal with it very well and no one knows until I tell them, which tends to freak out boyfriends.
I have a habit of getting too involved sexually with people I don’t really want to get involved with, example of what I mean by insecure. I’m very flirty in talking to people and sometimes I find myself slipping into something physical with people I don’t want to get physical with without being able to stop it – not being able to say no could be an issue to watch out for.
The biggest tell-tale with me is occasionally if a partner is a little too forceful or pushy for me to do something or if I feel I’m not performing well I will just curl up, go quiet unable to move or talk. I had this with an ex boyfriend of mine who was raped twice, you wouldn’t know, but every now and then he’d go into almost a trance, it’s like post traumatic stress.
Some people are very nasty about this – to me this is the most important thing for a partner to be able to deal with.
It will perhaps just show as something little, maybe she will be a little insecure, maybe one day she’ll just get upset for seemingly no reason leaving you pretty damn confused – be paitent if this does happen, don’t get moody back or leave her, give her some space but don’t give up on making sure she is okay.
Really unless she tells you outright you will not know for sure, it’s not best to guess but make note of what can happen so you can make sure you don’t just assume she’s being a nut-job. It’s also best of course that you don’t ask, people have a way of telling you when they are ready. It’s good that you care, but don’t treat her any different to a normal woman, act normal and if she is upset be there for her.
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There are some really great answers here. Let me add some.
I was personally abused as a child as well, and my way to cope was to overeat (to hide my body and make myself less desirable) and be over-sexual and get involved sexually with men that I would not have seriously considered for being a partner. I guess it was a way not to have to be attached as I fear involvement. Also I thought, because I was somewhat brainwashed as I was repeatedly abused for over 2 years, that I did not deserved to be loved and the only reason a man would ever look at me or want to be with me is for sex. I truly believed that.
Now, I have done lots of self-reflection, am in therapy and have allowed to forgive myself (yes you have to forgive yourself because even if you are not at fault, you feel guilty, dirty) and I opted personally to forgive him. I will never forget but I am now at peace with my past and with myself. I still have issues of self-esteem, that will take time to heal and build a strong me.
My best advise to you is – don’t tell don’t ask – let her open up if she and when she is ready. Also it may or may not be true as it is "I heard that…" Treat her like any other woman, just be aware that she may take more time to get acclimated to you and to open up, and to be accepting of physical contact. Don’t push it on her. Be patient and loving, caring and open.
As humans, we all are different, this is what creates the beauty of humanity. We also react differently to events (stress, coping). Also each case of abuse is different (was it someone know to the victim, or not, etc) Depending on the case. For example, if one has been abused in a park at night, she may avoid being alone or with a man past dark.
It is nice that you are inquiring about how to help her best. You can always consult a psychological health specialist, they could give you advise on how to cope with her issues and what to say, how to react, what to expect, and give you tools on how to deal with your own reaction to it. My boyfriend reacted with anger and says if he find the mf he will hurt him. And that he would never let anyone hurt me. I think you have to know how you would react and be careful not to hurt her fellings. Good luck =0)
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Personal experience and student nurse